Parenting

Today I had to take Makenzie in for a Dentist Appointment. We have a great pediatric dentist who is really great with my kids. He has TVs mounted in the ceiling, and video games for the kids to play when they are waiting for their appointment. My kids really love going to the dentist. Makenzie is the only one of my kids who has ever had cavities. She had to have some filled once before. When I took her in before, I sent her back by herself for the shots, and then I went back and supported her through the rest of it. I thought I should be back there for the whole thing today. I felt bad for abandoning her during the toughest time of the appointment. Today I was in the room with her when they were numbing her mouth. She really struggled with it. I stood up and walked over to her to hold her hand and be there for her. When the dentist left us so the Novocaine could kick in, I sat in his chair and rubbed Makenzie's head and kissed her on the forehead. I started thinking about some of the parenting books I have read. I started thinking about how much they set up parents to feel bad about choices they make. While I was sitting caring for my daughter I felt bad about being a "helicopter parent." (All of you Love and Logic experts, I know it means something else, but I felt bad about supporting my daughter "too much.") I started thinking about how ridiculous that was. They books say you should be involved in your kids lives, but not too involved. You should back off and let your kids make choices, allowing them to fail and learn from their mistakes without being negligent. I think even if parents do everything according to the books (Which I believe is impossible, because there are so many contradicting theories) there is still a very good chance that their kids won't turn out perfect. We are all human, and we all have free agency. When I was at BYU one of my teachers used a diagram of different parenting styles. They basically broke it up into 4 styles. Permissive parents that care about their kids, permissive parents that are apathetic towards their kids, controlling parents who care about their kids, and controlling parents who are apathetic towards their kids (Often abusive). We had a discussion about what makes up each kind of parent, and I am sure like all the other kids, I decided which type of parents I had. I decided I had controlling parents who care. We finished off the discussion for the day by talking about which type of parenting produces the most well-adjusted successful kids. I was sure it would be the permissive parents who cared, because I had issues. I was confident that if my parents had used the "ideal" parenting style, they would have saved me from having these issues. Our Professor said that studies showed that both the controlling and permissive parents who cared about their kids produced well adjusted adults. I can deal with that. Caring about my kids will never be my problem. Deciding on the right level of control will always be a struggle with me. I have decided to not beat myself up about it. I am sure that I will probably have pain sometime in my life that will be caused by my kids, whether it is from decisions they make, or natural things I need to see them go through, I think it is inevitable. I hope when the time comes, I can keep that in mind. My parents made mistakes. Every single parent makes mistakes. There is no such thing as a perfect parent. I see my parents watch my siblings struggle in their lives, and like any loving parent, it hurts them. I have heard my mom second guess things she did. I have heard her say that if she did this or that differently, maybe she could have saved one of my siblings from the pain they are experiencing. I really think my mom always did the best she knew how. She took her responsibilities as a Mom very seriously. My Dad dedicated his life (even before he was married) to providing for us. I can't think of a single day when I saw them shirking their responsibility. I did see them overwhelmed. I saw them be imperfect. I have seen myself be so much more imperfect. I hope in my parenting I will be able to feel good about the effort I put into being a parent, and I also hope I will always be able to set goals to become a better parent. (Thanks for reading all the way through my rambling. I feel like this blog is all over the place without a real point.)